February 10, 2023
By Joe Pan
And so, with the crypto winter getting colder and colder, thousands of crypto bros are finding themselves in a financial crisis, with nothing to do but curl up in the fetal position and cry themselves to sleep with their crypto dreams shattered into a million pieces. But fear not, dear crypto bros, because the latest solution to help you detox and rehabilitate from your crypto addiction has arrived on the scene, and it’s called The Balance!
According to a recent report by the BBC, The Balance is a one-of-a-kind rehabilitation centre founded in Zurich, with properties in London and Majorca. This safe haven for crypto bros is described as a “safe space enabling health and fulfilment”, and boasts pictures of a luxurious beachfront villa, spa and glowing testimonials from past clients. The centre offers treatment programs for a variety of issues, including anxiety, burnout, depression, post-traumatic stress disorders and even eating disorders.
So, what exactly is the solution that The Balance offers to crypto bros in distress? Well, imagine spending four weeks at a sprawling rehab centre with dozens of staff at your disposal, all located on the gorgeous Spanish island of Majorca. You’ll live in a private villa, attended to by your own butler and chef, and your treatment will include a mixture of therapy, massages, yoga, and bike rides. The only catch? This luxurious experience will come with a hefty bill, upwards of $75,000.
So, if you’re a crypto bro in need of a detox and rehabilitation from your crypto addiction, why not book a stay at The Balance and experience relaxation, rejuvenation and financial ruin!
And the latest craze in the world of crypto? Rehab hotels, folks! Yes, you heard that right. The once high-flying crypto millionaires, who made millions in a flash, have now hit rock bottom. The crypto winter has finally frozen their accounts and they’re struggling to come to terms with it. But fear not, as a new breed of hotels has emerged to cater to their needs.
Introducing, crypto rehab hotels, a new haven for the crypto-addicted and the financially-challenged crypto elite. These hotels promise to help the “crypto bros” detox from their crypto obsession and, as an added bonus, from all the other vices in life. It’s like a one-stop-shop for all your rehabilitation needs!
“Crypto addiction is like a full circle for me,” says Peter Ponton, chief executive of Risidio, a UK-based Web3 company with a focus on arts, culture and the environment. “I first got into blockchain technology to find solutions for addictive behavior, specifically alcohol addiction, the opioid crisis, and social media addiction. Having lived in Malibu and seen the entertainment community struggle with addiction, I see crypto addiction as similar to social media and gambling addiction, as well as the usual drug and alcohol addiction.”
“The recent rise of luxury rehab hotels catering to cryptocurrency millionaires comes as no surprise,” says expert in the field of addiction treatment who does not want to be named. “This is just a reflection of the growing recognition of the magnitude of the problem of substance abuse among the crypto-rich.”
An anonymous source working in electronic forex trading in J.P. Morgan said that he was “not surprised to see this type of rehab hotel spring up in the current bear market.” He mentions that “The crypto market is a wild ride and it’s not for the faint-hearted. Rehab hotels are not necessarily a hefty price for some people to pay in order to find new ways to cope and get back on track with other important factors of their life.”
Prominent educator and Co-Chair of Hong Kong Digital Finance Association, Emil Chan echoed the sentiment and said that, “I see this as a sign that people are recognizing the magnitude of the problem. Crypto addiction is real and it’s affecting many individuals who got caught up in the hype. There is a definite need for rehabilitation facilities to exist, just as with every other type of addiction.”
However, it’s important to note that the crypto rehab market is still a niche market compared to the traditional rehab market. As our anonymous source at J.P. Morgan says, “At the end of the day, crypto millionaires are still a fraction of the traditional wealthy class. But for those who are affected, the crypto rehab hotels are a lifesaver.”
So, if you’re a crypto millionaire struggling to come to terms with the crypto winter or just need a break from the crypto world, head down to the nearest Crypto Rehab Hotel. They promise to help you get back on your feet and give you a fresh start. And who knows, you might even learn a thing or two about life outside of crypto.
Despite the high-end reputation of these facilities, they still only make up a small niche market in the larger world of addiction treatment. “While it’s great to see this type of specialized care emerging, it’s important to remember that cryptocurrency millionaires still make up a small fraction of the overall wealthy population,” says Venture Partner Maggie Tan for Dragon Roark, a Singapore-based venture capital fund focusing on cryptocurrency and Web3.
Despite their limited reach, these luxury rehab hotels are still filling an important need. Many of these individuals are under intense stress due to the fast-paced and high-stakes world of cryptocurrency trading. “These people need a safe, secure and private space to detox and recover from the shock of losing hundreds and millions of dollars, the specialized care provided by these rehab hotels can provide just that,” Tan added.
However, not everyone is convinced of the value of these exclusive facilities. “While it’s true that the high net worth individuals in the crypto community may have unique needs, it’s questionable whether segregating them from the rest of society is the best solution,” says Bruce Leung, the Vice President of Hex Trust, an insured provider of bank-grade custody for digital assets. “Many addiction experts believe that being surrounded by a diverse group of people in recovery can be an important part of the healing process.”
Despite the criticisms, the trend of luxury rehab hotels for cryptocurrency millionaires shows no signs of slowing down. “As more and more people become invested in the world of cryptocurrency, it’s likely that we’ll continue to see a rise in the number of these types of facilities,” says Leung.
At the end of the day, it’s up to each individual to decide what type of treatment is right for them. “For some people, the specialized care offered by these luxury rehab hotels may be exactly what they need to get back on the path to recovery,” Chan of Hong Kong Digital Finance Association mentions. “But for some people, a more traditional approach in addiction treatment may be the best fit. Ultimately, there is a need to proactively address the problem of substance abuse at root, which can be accomplished through education, equipping the new wave of young crypto millionaires with the ability to have healthy coping mechanisms.”
About the author
Joe Pan is contributing editor of NFTMetta.com and is also the executive director & head of content at ImpactNFT Alliance.
Donna Izabel contributed to the story. She is a third-year English Studies and Politics and Public Administration student at the University of Hong Kong.